![]() ![]() So, we've made one specifically for Scarleteen readers including all the issues you ask us about and we've talked about together over the years. They've been used for a long time by sexuality educators, sex therapists, communities, couples and individuals, and they can be seriously useful tools. Yes, No and Maybe lists aren't something we invented. We might also sometimes find ourselves feeling inclined to only say what we think a partner wants to hear, or only responding to what they bring up rather than putting our own stuff on the table and initiating our own questions. It can feel like being asked what you want to eat at a restaurant without having a menu to even know your options. When sex is newer to us, we may not even have a sense of all there is to talk about. It might be particularly tough to start these conversations if talking about sex openly and out loud is something you've never done. Someone might ask what you do or don't like, or what may or may not be okay with you, and you may find you - or a partner, when they're asked - have a hard time knowing how to respond. Starting deep and honest communication about sex can be daunting, especially in areas which can be more loaded, tricky or where we feel vulnerable. We can't just know or guess what we or others want or need, like or dislike, are or are not okay with: we need to communicate those things and have them communicated to us. It's the best way to assure everyone is fully and freely consenting and physically and emotionally safe to help sex and sexual relationships be as satisfying, positive and awesome as they can be. … But this Yes/No/Maybe List is a little different.Clear, truthful and open communication is a must with partnered sex. ![]() Brainstorm together and see what you can come up with that I didn’t, and then add it to the list. If you’re interested in cock and ball torture and your partner is into cognitive behavioral therapy you’re having two very different conversations.Īrguably some of the most useful pieces of Yes/No/Maybe Lists are their lists of activities and terms, and although mine is extensive, it is by no means exhaustive, so I encourage you to write in your own. Don’t only discuss what you want to do, also discuss what the words you’re using mean. Instead I usually prefer to have negotiation conversations like these in coffee shops or during long car rides. I also recognize that I am in the minority of folks who find spreadsheets sexy and I don’t expect you to fill out you Yes/No/Maybe Lists in your finest lingerie. It can be revisited often, as people’s preferences can fluctuate, and it’s a fun way to get new ideas and reflect on your own desires. Your Yes/No/Maybe List is a tool to use in an ongoing conversation about all the sexy things you want to do together. Your Yes/No/Maybe List is not a contract, it’s not consent, and it’s not set in stone. The goal here is to focus on the things you can do together and not dwell on the nos, You should NEVER try to talk someone out of their no or expect them to explain it to you, though they may choose to. Then the partners reconvene and discuss where their yesses overlap. and sorts each one into one of three columns: Yes, No, or Maybe. It’s simple, each person involved in the negotiation takes a list of activities/terms/food items etc. ![]() A Yes/No/Maybe list is a common tool in kink circles for negotiating scenes, but really, you could use it to negotiate… pretty much anything. ![]()
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